19th June 2007

IVRs………more like “IVAaarrgh”…

I hate them. Interactive Voice Response applications – the ones that answer the phones at all large businesses (and small ones that want to sound large). The older style ones that still allow you to press a digit to get somewhere are not so bad, but the new ones that want you to “speak your account number” or “say customer service” drive me insane – they rarely work well, and to add insult to injury, some telcom managers are actually programming them to not respond to digits……..aaarrgh! When the options they present you with don’t suffice, or their system can’t recognize what you’re saying, you have no choices – why do companies use these things? Do they deliberately want to drive their customers crazy? I would love to hear back from anyone on the other side of the fence – those who install and program these things – do you really believe they are working?

That reminds me of this place I called the other day (after I tried calling my bank, got their IVR, and wound up slamming my phone against the wall)…….

Hello, welcome to the Mental Health Hotline……….

  • If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
  • If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
  • If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
  • If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
  • If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.
  • If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice inside your head will tell you which number to press.
  • If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
  • If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
  • If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
  • If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s and grandmother’s maiden names.
  • If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
  • If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
  • If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again in a few minutes.
  • If you have low self esteem, please hang up.  All of our representatives are too busy with important customers to speak to you.
Share with others:
Please Rate this Post:

Leave a Reply

Add your own comment! Your opinion is as valid as anyone elses, so come on... let me know what you think.

**PLEASE NOTE:  Due to the high amount of comment spam I receive I am currently moderating ALL comments, so please be patient, and I WILL respond.  in addition I use Akismet and other spam-comment blockers.  If your comment does not eventually show up it may be that Akismet has determined that it is spam due to your IP address, your links, or the words you use.   If you're not a spammer, drop me a note via my Contact Form and I'll respond personally.

Your email address will never be displayed. Please use a name/pseudonym so that it is easier to distinguish between different anonymous comments. Thanks for commenting!